Flaws and Faults

I hear the word flaw used on a daily basis.

 

People will say, I have flaws or faults.  These two personally disliked words say nothing but demean the person to which the word is directed.

 

A flaw is an expectation or desire.  A flaw is a habit.  A less than beneficial repeated choice ferreting a pathway in the brain we then define as a flawed self.  A flaw is simply a something desiring a change.

 

There is no person alive who is not a fluid process.  Much of our language used casually and regularly, perverts this fact, freezing aspects of our fluid process into archived dead things.

 

When we use the word flaw or fault we impose a rigidity on our fluidity.  We bypass remembering ourselves as an aware free will being.   Criticizing our choice by construing it a flaw, we deprive our free-will-consciousness of the cognition, we could have chosen otherwise.  Judging ourselves flawed, we desecrate our being-ness when in truth it is a matter of choosing otherwise.

 

The defined self is a compilation of learned or chosen habits unfolding into a story we continue refreshing by self-narrating the story on a moment to moment basis.

In ourselves, as well as in perceiving others, expectations are goal posts to ensure our well-being.   Isolating flaws, we discriminate what would maximize our well-being. 

 

When we define flaws in others, it is a reference to subjective needs the other has not supplied.  For instance, if I need affection from someone who has a natural tendency for independence rather than connection, I might define them as cold and aloof.  In my analysis, they are flawed in being a connector. 

 

In fact, the other is not flawed but rather it is my need for connection that colors them faulted.  It is choosing someone who does not need intimacy that creates the problem.  The person is fine the way they are.  They are not flawed. 

 

 

The misinformation originated with me - not cognizant, unaware of my needful expectation,  I erroneously chose someone who cannot supply what I am expecting.  Making this choice does not characterize a flaw in me either, however,  as yet, I have not learned two great liberating truths.  I am a connector with a propensity for intimacy and choosing someone with a propensity for independence will create a void. 

 

 

Neither of us is flawed.

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Comments (24)

  1. RRoe

    My wife works with teachers that teach special education to children who have been labelled with certain disabilities … my wife argues and is writing a book on it that is about to go to press … that these labels put negative expectations on these children … she argues we all have our strengths and weaknesses … and focusing on our alleged shortcomings fails to focus on their value as unique humans … probably not well said, but it is a similar message to yours …
    .
    I like to connect to other humans … usually women … my lady is pretty much okay with limiting intimate connections to just me … we discuss how we are different usually without any blame, but often with some fear creeping in. It is cool we can talk without blame which is different than most of my previous relationships. In that spirit I have often felt connected for brief moments of time with you and often wished it could be more. We all seem to have VOIDS … perhaps it is part of the human condition.
    .
    It is funny to me when I was struggling with life … first when my late wife was dying, then overlapping with when I was falling in love with Angel and then losing hope with her, and then struggling to build a good relationship with Amy, then struggling with my child’s drug addiction, I could not read your posts … they required too much thinking and emotional energy that I did not have … I also think the tone of your blogs back then were more demanding and less accepting …
    .
    But now, with my evolution and yours, I once more look forward to all of your words …

    March 05, 2016
    1. greunie

      Relationship is such that depending on what we need, another poses challenges. We know best when those challenges offer something to consider or is too hurtful with which to engage. I trust your wisdom to know best for your self.

      March 05, 2016
      1. RRoe

        It is only theoretical at the moment … no one living close enough for a flesh and blood relationship … and she is fine with me writing emails and similar … its been a long time since I connected well enough on emails and phone that I wanted to go see someone …

        March 05, 2016
    2. greunie

      And I love that your wife as a teacher is writing this up and shouting out about it. I agree completely with her!

      March 05, 2016
  2. drivefaastakechances

    Neither of us is flawed. And why seek the flaw, why not embrace and support the differences in the gifts we each bring to the table—

    March 07, 2016
    1. greunie

      Exactly – neither of us is flawed. I wonder if we do seek the flaw or is it that differing attributes crash into each other? And in the void, in the discomfort of the disconnection, we wail with blame? Would a connector readily understand independence is a gift? I am thinking that if we better-understood relationship and how differences pose a challenge to each other, we could. As I observe this world of people, many do not get what relationship means.

      March 07, 2016
      1. drivefaastakechances

        Less and less, possibly, it’s difficult to tell with the onset of social media—do people understand relationships better or much worse than before. I think it has to do with each individual person and the inferred “power” or “say” they have over another has something to do with it—so in that sense there is a relationship that is highly influenced, persuaded—it’s just not so nice. The type of relationship, perhaps—with enough power to want to persuade poorly—on purpose or without realizing or knowing—hmmm

        March 08, 2016
        1. drivefaastakechances

          So I guess I am talking about the power a person has or takes on to persuade another to see their flaws—brought so brightly into light that the audience has no choice but to be offended.

          March 08, 2016
          1. drivefaastakechances

            Or so they think, they have no choice, which again bring a it back to the persuader—

            March 08, 2016
  3. drivefaastakechances

    I don’t necessarily hear the words flawed or fault everyday, but they are certainly inferred mentally and emotionally.

    March 08, 2016
  4. drivefaastakechances

    I apologize, Greunie, for my disjointed thoughts here, all over your page—I should have prepared more. It’s good to read you, so good to see and read you. You bring out my inner analyst.

    March 08, 2016
    1. greunie

      This is where we offer our disjointed thoughts, isn’t it? How else are we going to work all this complexity out? I welcome anything you offer on my page.

      March 08, 2016
      1. drivefaastakechances

        True. Thank you.

        March 09, 2016
  5. Phat

    Some people are flawed! If what they do harms or interrupts others and they are deliberately doing it then that is a flaw in their programming. Others, like myself are just hothouse flowers that require the right environment to flourish.

    March 09, 2016
    1. greunie

      LOL

      March 09, 2016
    2. greunie

      Is it the gazelle who decrees that the lion eating it is flawed? Who decides who and what is flawed?

      March 09, 2016
      1. Phat

        It’s all perspective I suppose. To the Gazelle, the Lion IS flawed. “Why the fuck can’t you eat plants you fuckwit?”

        March 10, 2016
        1. greunie

          Exactly. To the Gazelle, she needs the Lion to eat plants, therefore, their relationship will be problematic.

          March 10, 2016
  6. Munkyman


    She’s not beautiful in spite of her flaws,
    she’s beautiful because of them & the fact that she survived them.

    March 10, 2016
    1. greunie

      By whose standard is she flawed? and by whose standard is she beautiful?

      March 10, 2016
      1. Munkyman

        The flaws are obvious, the marble sheared under stress, then there’s the chips & divots. As far as who’s standard of beauty… not biting because standard is the wrong word. She’s beautiful to most of the world because she’s beautiful in an enduring way that defies the given standards of an age or even a culture. Most people who walk past her stop to stare at her beauty… missing arms, chips & divots too.

        March 10, 2016
        1. greunie

          The standard of beauty is the point. Who decides who is beautiful is exactly the point! That the judgement is subjective and biased is the point!

          March 11, 2016
          1. Munkyman

            The point is people from a variety of cultures & over the ages have found her beautiful… I’ve never heard her called anything else.

            March 11, 2016
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  8. TomasSISI

    Your point is well taken. Neither of you is flawed. Each of us has it’s own way of dealing with life and difficulties. One wants closeness and comfort, another wants to burden no one else with their own needs. One will open doorways while another move about closing them one by one.

    April 09, 2016