To the who that have not disappointed others, please pass this blog by.

The bottom line of most relationships is to either entertain or validate.  

 

(Disclaimer:  if you don't agree, I don't want the job of debating and if,  after you read this, if you even read this all the way through, carefully with an open mind, and you think I need correction, you have missed the point of this post.  If you insist, please write your own post expounding your own ideas.)

 

Perhaps, my opening may be an obvious statement to some, but it took me a few moons to understand. This is not a complaint but rather a clarification of a confusion with which I long wrestled.  More accurately, it is an exposition of an intimidation running our societies:  comply or be left alone on the Savannah to rot.  Currently, otherwise, gratefully, I can enjoy the benefits gleaned by fitting in without paying society's threat's ransom, fear.  For example, I am not in fear that if I don't teeter around on nine-inch heels, advertising a false idea that I have long legs, I will not capture your attention.  I have zero interest in capturing your attention with lures I do not naturally possess.  Your attention is not that important to me.

 

To begin this, what is my worth based upon if not compliance to society's threat's demands?  How do you estimate you own worth?  How do you base another person's worth to you? 

 

In my corner over here, from birth, my worth was based on how others compared me to their ideals.  If I fit their ideals, I was worthy, if I did not, their response was one of disappointment. Evident?  For sure, but for many years, I struggled, jumping over hurdles, hoping to reach those imposed ideals.  When I couldn't, I believed there was something off with me.  

 

What a surprise and liberation to discover there is nothing off with me.  My biology at birth was a combination of whatzits from my parents and ancestors;  a compilation of generations passing inherited whatzits down to me.  Overall, I was born with good enough whatzits to live well, even if,  in comparison, my whatzits are not the best.  

 

(Indeed,  what is the best anyway? The top position is continuously appropriated by a new improved best.  Therefore the last toppled best was not the best then? Was it only a temporary best until a new best arose? Wouldn't that make it then a good enough for now and not an accurate representation of the word best?)

 

Through my life, as I interacted with my environment, I had to use my whatzits to actively respond.  Unfortunately, more frequently than not, other people graded my whatzits not good enough.  

 

I was a disappointment to many people.  I was not beautiful enough, smart enough or entertaining enough and sometimes, I was too much of something which all added up to the same grade, not good enough.

 

I was first a disappointment to my father who wanted a son.  Now explain to me, how could I ever please a man who was demeaned by the birth of a daughter?  In reflection, I see his need as pathetically insecure but to a tiny girl child, the message was devastating.  In addition, I was a disappointment to my mother because my inquiring mind did not obey without question.  How could I satisfy a woman who believed good behavior was measured through obedience while curiosity and questioning were negative components.  Disturbed by my challenging creativity, she tried to snuff it out.  Honoring my out of the box questions was beyond what she could do.  In both cases, as in all the disappointments, it was more about my parent's and other's needs and had very little to do with me.

 

My failure-to-please list goes on and on.  From my parents, sibling, children, and friends, who come and go in my life, the disappointments I have caused,  calculate in the many thousands.  I won't, however, bore myself or you in remembering them. These days, I am practicing an 'oh well' concern when someone communicates I am of no value or even if what I produce is of no value.  Cloning myself to someone's specifications has become abhorrent to me.  A few years ago, I stepped off the wheel of competition and have been conscious of staying off it ever since.   It's not easy since everyone I know continues spinning on that merry-go-round, reaching for the ringing sound that announces, they are worthy!  Whenever another bothers me, I know it's my competitive residue pounding its chest.

 

I watch while they dress to impress, learn new ways of talking a good game and read up on the expert's suggestions on how to win and influence people.   Not for me.  I shun - how to improve yourself articles; this self-help genre is just another way to fit in.  Improvement to become closer to a whatever- ideal demeans me.  Learning about my natural whatzits and growing them is not an improvement but rather a liberating process.  

 

I am focused on discovering my unique whatzit.  Sadly, having spent too long on the merry-go-round, my whatzit is less apparent except for my unrelenting curiosity and constant questioning of my thinking habitual patterns.  This has remained glaringly visible.

 

I am not concerned about the rest being less discernible, peeling off the cloned shit is a labor of love.  I would rather exercise patience baring my ethereal whatzit than spending time shaping myself into what others want from me.  

 

Please do not mistake my words for advice on how to be - only you can know this.  Please be advised, I am not the God of you and do not know what's best for you. 

 

 

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Comments (10)

  1. dincali

    EXACTLY!

    May 19, 2017
    1. greunie

      May 20, 2017
      1. dincali

        back atcha

        May 21, 2017
  2. firewalker

    May 20, 2017
    1. greunie

      May 20, 2017
  3. scarletts_letters

    I agree, and it is the most difficult thing I ever did to realise that this is what I was, am and will be to others. I’ve regularly sought validation from my lovers only to come to the concision that I wasn’t what they wanted – much less needed. For a long time I felt guilty, now I feel a little sad, mostly for the person I am with that soon I will have to tell him and there isn’t anything he can do.
    In an office waiting for a councillor I once read this intro in a book, I can’t remember who said it but it went something like “the hardest thing you will ever do is survive your death”, I rolled my eyes and put it down. Which is what I do with a lot of things I don’t believe. For some reason it stuck with me and I get it now, I was a child for a very long time, and I clung to that because as a child I was what people thought was good, what they told me was decent.
    No one made me a woman, an adult, I became one by letting myself grow up and now I don’t feel needy – afraid – any of that and when I see it in other people I feel like I either need to leave or make them grow up. SO many things I felt essential to me being me have lost their shine or value. Oddly I feel lighter not sad or nostalgic.
    People say knowledge is power, maybe, but it’s also freedom and that’s far more important to oneself.
    Sorry about the ramble I skipped the heading

    May 20, 2017
    1. greunie

      The disclaimer is more about when someone disagrees. I think debating is futile. I will explain and in a way defend the theme of my write and in turn, the other will counter. I have been involved in many debates and none accomplish a true exchange of ideas. Two people firm in their ideas do not learn from each other. In my opinion, debating is about winning and I don’t play that game anymore. You were adding to my post. If someone disagrees then please write their own post. Something well thought out and considered. Not quick words in the shape of a disagreeing comment. I often get the feeling that someone has not even read my blog all the way through, picking on one aspect without reflecting on what I am sharing.
      -
      I love that line – ‘the hardest thing you will ever do is survive your death’. If I were to describe freedom I would use the word lighter – as a metaphor – the opposite of heavy and anchored – expansive and growing.

      May 20, 2017
  4. morningafter7

    Living up to the expectations of others seems to be part of the mind program that we were taught since birth, and that seems to run inside most peoples’ heads. It’s a losing fight and what causes so much depression in people, yet they still strive to do it. Like you, I also jumped off that merry-go-round not long ago. Wish I would have jumped off of it MUCH sooner though (but better late than never). Now my mind and life are free – a quality I value above all else.

    May 22, 2017
    1. greunie

      Yes, me too. I relate to all of your words. We can only know what we know when we know it. I am certain that tomorrow I will learn something that is so golden that I will wish to have known it sooner. Like you, I will also drop the regret and celebrate the learning.

      May 22, 2017
      1. morningafter7

        Absolutely! And I very much enjoy your ruminations. It is rare to find this type of thought in expression. Many thanks for that! :-)

        May 23, 2017